Hogs Out, Record Set

One of the chillest things about traveling is you get to do a bunch of things you wouldn’t normally get to do. For some people that means trying some different foods or learning a new language. For Rob and I this meant setting a World Record for being a part of the World’s largest skinny dip group,…obviouslyyyy.

When our friend Tommy first told us they were attempting to break the world record at the R&V music festival we both immediately knew this was something we had to be a part of.  Admittedly, I had slightly more reservations about getting naked in public than Rob who, as many of you know, has none. That said, the realization that I was in New Zealand and was never going to see any of these people again quickly reminded me of the classic Abraham Lincoln quote, “Life’s too short to go hogs in.”

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Would ya just look at those American poopers!

With our founding fathers in mind, we stormed the beaches of Gissy only to find that the skinny dip had been pushed back a little bit due to the Bikini contest going on inside the festival. While watching the most unenthusiastic and utterly confusing bikini contest I had ever seen, we began customizing our birthday suites with the phrases “Made in America”, “USA”, and a couple of other Sharpie subtitles on our backs.

When random, male audience members were getting 10 times the amount of applause for exposing themselves than the booty dropping girls on stage, it was clear we were both in a much different country and that people were itching to set that world record. Slowly, people began filing out of the festival and onto the beach with each participant scanning their festival wristband on the way to the waiting area to ensure the accuracy and legitimacy of the coveted record.

Since we were amongst the first 20 people, we had plenty of time to get fake tats from the event’s sponsor “Skinny” mobile. The excitement continued to grow and before long, the first wave of hogs came out. Standing there I couldn’t help think how much more comfortable I would feel if I were drunk (both dead sober) and/or had a massive dick, but like my man Mac Miller says, “You’ve gotta work with what ya got”. The board shorts came off and it did not take long for things to start getting rowdy. We quickly realized we were the only guys wearing crew necks, everyone else were sporting hoodies… this is a circumcision reference.

Within minutes you had a group at the front doing a naked hakka (the warrior dance NZ’s rugby team does before every game) and this legend ninja ginger doing an ass naked rumplestillskin (smashing a beer over his head a chugging it) while standing on his naked friends shoulders. Looking back, this act smashed any boundary of homo eroticism I or the members of the Philly crew were comfortable with; however, constant chants and quick peaks at some of the female participants didn’t provide too much time to dwell on it at the moment.

Rob and I made our way to the front row and as the count down ended, set off with over 500 other guys and girls (mostly dudes) for the cool waters of the Pacific ocean. In order for it to be counted as an official record all the participants had to stay in the water for 10 minutes. This left plenty of time for people to body surf into a sea of naked bodies, jump on a floatable trampoline the sponsors provided, or just have some oddly casual conversations with a whole bunch of other naked ass people.

Before you knew it, the 10 minutes was over and riding the high of being world record holdings Rob and I skipped past the filming crew and straight to the crowd of pervs (including our friends) who decided to watch and not participate. Hollering lines like “The Cialis didn’t work, it’s still really small” Rob and I posed for our own little photo shoot to document the glorious and triumphant afternoon.

After collecting our clothes we were warmly embraced by our Kiwi friends and their excitement and regret they hadn’t participated themselves only confirmed what a good call it was not to pass up on this unique and epic opportunity.

Moral of the Story: When the ocean water is that cold everyone has a small hog, all that matters is having big enough balls to get in there.

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